Monday, November 24, 2008

I've got more new shit out there: me on Lil Wayne, me on Statik Selektah. Seriously. Freelancing means you need to listen to Statik Selektah albums. And I liked the Statik record way better. Wonders never cease.

Also, the Pitchfork book, The Pitchfork 500, is out now. I've got a whole lot of stuff in there, and so do a lot of other good writers. Just about everyone associated brought their A-game, and I'm embarrassed by how many of these songs I didn't even know. I'm kind of making a project out of downloading all the songs I can find and listening to them while reading the book. I suggest you do the same.

Anyway. Thoughts on the American Music Awards:

-Hey! These things are still on!

-Watching this Christina Aguilera medley is like listening to the iTunes song samples of her greatest-hits album. Like, what the hell's the point? Everyone knows you did these songs, and you can't commit to a song if you only do like 45 seconds of it. She looked old as hell doing "Genie in a Bottle." Britney might've lost, but at least she can sing "Baby One More Time" without looking like she hates herself. And doing "Dirrty" without Redman strikes me as a major dick-move for some reason. Goofy-ass choreography, too. At least she didn't do "Candyman." I really hate "Candyman."

-I keep trying to like Jimmy Kimmel, and it never takes. There's the Bill Simmons association, and there's "I'm Fucking Matt Damon," but still, no. Can't do it. Don't like him. Motherfucker is just corny, and he always acts like he's too cool for whatever he's doing. I'm done trying.

-Jamie Foxx: Still drunk! Or is he just like that?

-New Kids on the Block: Just grisly. I really hope this reunion works out, if only because watching grown men in expensive suits do synchronized boy-band dances will never, ever get old. Best part: Gnarled-ass Donnie Wahlberg and his fauxhawk. They're still making Saw sequels, Donnie! You don't have to do this!

-Pretty sure Scott Weiland tried to sell me a used Xbox out of a backpack last week.

-Stop being quasi-respectable, Pink! If you're going to have a string-section onstage, you at least need to snatch away someone's violin and smash it. This is not the Grammys; nobody will mind. ("Sober" is a good song.)

-You know who Taylor Swift reminds me of on "White Horse"? Motherfucking Fevers & Mirrors-era Bright Eyes. It's all in the squinty slow-burn quaver. And that's a compliment, if you couldn't tell. I also love the soap-opera aspect of her doing this while the Jonas Brothers watch.

-How long do you think it'll be before Ne-Yo makes his Broadway debut? Five years? Ten? He is ready! (That's kind of a compliment, too, weirdly enough.)

-I have nice things to say about the new Nickelback album. I am serious.

-This Leona Lewis song is pretty boring, but have you heard her cover of Snow Patrol's "Run"? Oh my god. Killed it. She should just sing "Bleeding Love" and sappy alt-rock anthems and nothing else. I would pay at least five dollars to hear what she could do with "Everybody Hurts."

-So, uh, this new Miley Cyrus song kind of kicks ass? Look, I just call it like I see it. Whoever that is singing background on the chorus is my new favorite person. Also: This is her sixteenth birthday, and she looks and sounds at least twice as old. Ridiculously elaborate stage-show, too, like some HBO Michael Jackson Budapest show shit.

-David Arculeta lost! I should not be subjected to his shitty little face anymore.

-Hey, Coldplay! Is it weird that I find their "Lost!" video kind of moving? I should probably stop admitting to stuff like this, huh? I hope they're not serious about breaking up next year. They are really good at being on TV. I'm even starting to like their stupid colored armbands.

-Alicia Keys is way, way too old to try pulling off a fucking bindi. That's first album shit, and it's lame even then.

-Hey, it's RZA and Rae! There for no reason at all! Sitting there while Jimmy Kimmel makes terrible jokes! Hopefully Rae is apologizing for hating on 8 Diagrams during the commercial breaks.

-Man, I just can't look at Terrence Howard anymore. I don't know when that guy went to cheeseball hell, but he's there now.

-Is Mariah Carey's sham marriage preventing Drumline 2 from happening? Because that's just not something I can accept. (Mariah Carey: Still boring. I tried.)

-Everyone who wins (Rihanna especially) seems totally bored and unimpressed except for Taylor Swift. I can't tell if that makes Taylor Swift lame or everyone else lame.

-The Fray is still a thing, huh? They weren't always this mumbley, were they? I didn't hate their first couple of songs, but I can't even make it through one chorus of this. Fast-forward.

-Kanye giving someone else his award doesn't have quite the same effect when that person isn't there. Still a nice gesture, and it's not the first time he's done that. People never seem to notice that when they talk about his tantrums.

-Beyonce should not feel the need to actually sing while doing "Single Ladies." The dance is enough, really. We're good. That song is great, and The-Dream wrote it, which puts a little hitch in my fuck-that-guy policy. But yeah, still, fuck that guy.

-Jonas Brothers get Klaxons lasers? What?

-The Pussycat Dolls: still funny! Nothing I could write here would do justice to the way the backing Dolls pretend to have conversations with each other while Nicole's singing. I still blame them for Veronica Mars ending.

-I am definitely fast-forwarding through all this Annie Lennox stuff. I don't even hate her. I'm just supposed to be unemployed now, is all. That means I don't have to watch this stuff if I don't feel like it. I'm not getting paid to do this. I could be reading comic books right now. Or watching whatever's next. This one's for free.

-Oh wow, whatever's next is Natasha Bedingfield? Jesus, why did I decide to spend my not-working Monday watching this shit? I have laundry to do. Fuck this. "Unwritten" is a good song and all, but I can't think of one good reason for her to be singing it right now.

-OK. Rihanna with an eyepatch and Road Warriors spikes. This I can deal with. She's singing "Rehab," which begs the question: Why is Justin Timberlake in the "Rehab" video? I mean, I know why he's in it, but he sings like two lines in the entire song. It's gratuitous even for pop music.

-Kanye: Battlezone graphics, a couple of human-statue chicks, clothes that somebody could conceivably wear on the street. This counts as a low-key awards-show performance for him. Also: 808s & Heartbreak is the 8th-best album of 2008, by my count. Review in this week's Voice.

-Sarah McLachlan: Yeah. No. I did not survive the 90s to watch more Sarah McLachlan. Good job on keeping dogs from getting killed, though, Sarah McLachlan.

-If Joe Perry had a severe makeover, he'd look just like the Punisher. This is not enough to make me like Joe Perry.

-Alicia Keys, Queen Latifah, and some opera chick? Didn't everyone involved have enough sense to know what a clusterfuck this would be? Seeing Latifah rap now is weirder than seeing Will Smith rap.