Notes on this year's CMAs (because old habits are hard to break):

-No Obama jokes! That's a good thing, I think.

-Holy shit, the dueling guitar solo is totally back. Thank you, video games. The Tad Kuebler/Mike Cooley moments at the Hold Steady/Drive-By Truckers show last week were a big highlight, and the Brad Paisley/Keith Urban opener here was way better than anything either one of those guys could do by themselves. (Both of them do solo songs later, and both of them prove me right.) Country keeps absorbing these old-school hard-rock tropes, huh? Like, it's pretty much impossible to imagine a Nickelback/Hinder guitar duel. Just wouldn't happen.

-Four amazing songs and some George Strait piece of shit are up for Single of the Year, so of course George Strait wins. That guy is a great argument against respecting your elders.

-Alan Jackson is suddenly everyone's embarrassing uncle. That "Good Time" song is the boringest dance-jam in the history of dance-jams. Half the time he was onstage, I was like, "At least he doesn't have all those line-dancing buffoons from the video," but then all of them showed up.

-Miley Cyrus looks like she's at least fifty now. Someone needs to get her off the goddam tanning bed.

-Introducing Miranda Lambert, Carrie Underwood made this big deal about how she's doing a ballad at this show for the first time after three straight years doing these blood-and-thunder songs. But really, "More Like Her" is way colder than any of those older songs. She stares daggers even when she's making nice. (Bassist mohawk: Still there! Even though he was playing a standup bass this time.)

-This Lady Antebellum song just rules, but their guitarist pigtails are no Miranda Lambert bassist mohawk. Sorry, Lady Antebellum.

-There is such a thing as too much poise, Martina McBride.

-Rodney Atkins is basically the Joe the Plumber of this shit. Hey Rodney Atkins, your whole trucker-hat everydude schtick is now irrelevant! If you're not going to sing more songs like "If You're Going Through Hell," please shut up. (This song is still pretty OK, though.)

-The Rascal Flatts guy's flowery blazer is some new apex of corny. Congratulations, Rascal Flatts, guy. I really didn't think you could break any new ground in coriness, but you did it. Again. Next year, you're going to have to perform alongside a dancing chimpanzee or something,

-Taylor Swift is kinda the elephant in the room here, huh? She gets bigger cheers than anyone else, she sings "Love Story" on an absurdly goofy costume-drama set, Kellie Pickler does the ridiculously good "Best Years of Your Life," which Taylor wrote. I can just imagine how many people in that room must hate her so hard, given that she's destined to be a bigger star than any of them, unless she already is.

-Why was Lil Wayne pretending to be a part of Kid Rock's band? And not rapping his horrible guest-verse from the VMAs? And not being mentioned by name, by anyone, all night? That was just incredibly weird. Maybe the producers didn't think he'd really show up? But he looked like he was having fun, and he didn't push his ubiquity down our throats any harder than he's always doing these days, so that's something, I guess. (Still not sick of "All Summer Long.")

-Really enjoying this totally awkward Carrie Underwood/Braid Paisley host-chemistry.

-Is it even worthwhile to have an opinion about George Strait? He's just kind of there, just like he's always been, just like he'll always be. (Also: Brooks & Dunn, who at least have a couple of serious jams to their credit.)

-I had beers with Jason Aldean once. He smokes Winston Ultra-Lights, and he has the worst goatee in the world. I like that guy.

-Sugarland needs to keep stealing that Vocal Duo award from Brooks & Dunn. It's only right.

-How the hell am I rooting for Hootie these days? Dude was the bane of my existence in high school. Now he's this unlikely Obama-presaging country-music success story, the first black dude to top country charts since Charley Pride, and I'm completely on his side. Maybe it's because "Don't Think I Don't Think About It" is the first song of his I've halfway enjoyed since "Hold My Hand," which I think I liked for about a week.

-Jesus Christ, there is no sympathy-grabbing pyrotechnic trick too hackneyed and shameless for Nashville. Am I the only one who would've liked Carrie Underwood's "Just a Dream" so much better without the soldier's widow introducing her?

-Wow, Sugarland really know what they're doing. The goosebump-moment is just basically where they live these days.

-James Otto sucks so bad. Fuck that guy. Dumbest song ever. Good thing I'm not getting paid for writing this and I can fast forward past his goofy ass.

-Kenny Chesney! Halfassed cruise-ship reggae experiment! Thatched-roof hut onstage! Backed by the Wailers! "Three Little Birds" interpolation! Really, really, disastrously bad look! Not very irie, Kenny Chesney!

-Trace Adkins can show up to every awards-show from now until the end of time as far as I'm concerned, as long as he only sings "You're Gonna Miss This." He can even show up to the Republican Convention, I don't give a fuck. Just keep singing "You're Gonna Miss This." That song destroys.

-Aww, Brad Paisley kisses his wife's pregnant belly when he goes up to win Male Vocalist. I have to remember to steal that if I win any awards in the next five and a half months.

-Kill yourselves, lameass boring decrepit Eagles! Fast-forward!

-Shania Twain: not dead yet! If country types knew what was good for them, they'd hand out Entertainer of the Year to Taylor Swift or Sugarland or one of the other women who are going to be keeping their light bills paid for the next ten years instead of giving it to baldheaded elf Kenny Chesney for the millionth time. You should not be able to pull that Wailers bullshit without facing some sort of consequences.