America vs. the world! The U.S. not-quite-dream-team got seriously curb-jobbed by, of all people, the Puerto Rican team. This raises many troubling questions, like: isn't Puerto Rico, like, part of the United States? I mean, don't we own them? Why do they get their own Olympic team? If they get one, couldn't Wyoming or something have its own team? It's pretty clear now that we should grant statehood to Puerto Rico so their Olympic team never again embarrasses ours. The U.S. team wandered around like toddlers whose parents have accidentally left them at the mall, bricking shots at every opportunity. Carlos Arroyo proved his gangsta and took the entire U.S. squad to school. The consolation prize: that one enormous Puerto Rican kid who scored all those points and whose name I forget will be playing for the Wizards in the fall. Hey, maybe now the Wizards will win a game or two and step their game up to, like, Hawks-level. Don't fuck this up, the Wizards.

In other bad news, Towson swim monster Michael Phelps broke the world record at 400-meter I.M. medley or something and then came in third twice in a row at other stuff. Come on, Michael Phelps! Be the best swimmer in the world!